Day 26: Love-

I have struggled loving myself the last few years...probably since gaining weight after Emma was born and all the negative criticism that one gives herself when the reflection in the mirror doesn't reflect who she feels she is.  I've been going through the pictures in my albums on my computer trying to clean things up from the disaster virus restoration my computer had twice this year.  It's a real mess, and probably one reason why I don't post pictures. It's really hard to navigate where the pictures go when they are downloaded. I'm fixing that, and as I'm working on it I have to look through each month of pictures we have. All the way back to when we were first married.  I have found myself smiling and laughing at the memories of all the things I have done with my kids and all the times they did the funniest things that make me laugh still today.  I saw how my body changed with each kid, and also was able to see me at my heaviest and my lightest (pre-baby). Now, I'm not saying that I hate myself. I just don't like the physical part of who I am.  I saw the small transformation I had a few years ago before I got pregnant with Carter and how much my face and glow changed. I liked the physical person I was becoming, then it all got let go.  I did okay with my weight while I was pregnant, but the stress, and uncertainty of the chaos after giving birth, I turned to food and gained everything I worked so hard at loosing. It wasn't hard to gain it either. The last year has been some of the hardest times for me and the way I handled it made me not like myself more.  I am going to do something to show me that I matter to me.  I need that drive back and I need to not feel trapped by the negative criticism I tell my self everyday in my head.  I know that there are people around me who love me for me. I am so thankful for that love because I would be so much worse with out them.  I am thankful for the love my Heavenly Father has for me, the love of my Savior.  They help me have hope that I will one day accept me for who I am, just like everyone else does.  Love is a powerful feeling. I am thankful that our Father who created us gave us the capacity to feel love, live love and have love. I hope that next year I can say in full honesty that I love myself, as much as I love others.